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Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love Reprint Edition

by Robert Karen (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 265 ratings
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Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love
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The struggle to understand the infant-parent bond ranks as one of the great quests of modern psychology, one that touches us deeply because it holds so many clues to how we become who we are. How are our personalities formed? How do our early struggles with our parents reappear in the way we relate to others as adults? Why do we repeat with our own children--seemingly against our will--the very behaviors we most disliked about our parents? In Becoming Attached, psychologist and noted journalist Robert Karen offers fresh insight into some of the most fundamental and fascinating questions of emotional life.
Karen begins by tracing the history of attachment theory through the controversial work of John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, and Mary Ainsworth, an American developmental psychologist, who together launched a revolution in child psychology. Karen tells about their personal and professional struggles, their groundbreaking discoveries, and the recent flowering of attachment theory research in universities all over the world, making it one of the century's most enduring ideas in developmental psychology.
In a world of working parents and makeshift day care, the need to assess the impact of parenting styles and the bond between child and caregiver is more urgent than ever. Karen addresses such issues as: What do children need to feel that the world is a positive place and that they have value? Is day care harmful for children under one year? What experiences in infancy will enable a person to develop healthy relationships as an adult?, and he demonstrates how different approaches to mothering are associated with specific infant behaviors, such as clinginess, avoidance, or secure exploration. He shows how these patterns become ingrained and how they reveal themselves at age two, in the preschool years, in middle childhood, and in adulthood. And, with thought-provoking insights, he gives us a new understanding of how negative patterns and insecure attachment can be changed and resolved throughout a person's life.
The infant is in many ways a great mystery to us. Every one of us has been one; many of us have lived with or raised them. Becoming Attached is not just a voyage of discovery in child emotional development and its pertinence to adult life but a voyage of personal discovery as well, for it is impossible to read this book without reflecting on one's own life as a child, a parent, and an intimate partner in love or marriage.
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  1. ISBN-10
    0195115015
  2. ISBN-13
    978-0195115017
  3. Edition
    Reprint
  4. Publisher
    Oxford University Press
  5. Publication date
    April 23, 1998
  6. Language
    English
  7. Dimensions
    6 x 1.5 x 9.5 inches
  8. Print length
    512 pages
  9. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Robert Karen has a rare capacity for presenting complex psychological ideas in language that is accessible to nonspecialists....Karen's book makes fascinating reading and constitutes a considerable achievement."--Contemporary Psychology

"Robert Karen...is one of our smartest and most accessible guides to the arcane world of psychoanalytic theory and research."--Elle

Book Description

A...provocative primer on the nature versus nurture debate.--Mirabella

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Oxford University Press; Reprint edition (April 23, 1998)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 512 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0195115015
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0195115017
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.45 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1.5 x 9.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 265 ratings

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Robert Karen

Robert Karen

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
265 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

A. E. Berigtold
5.0 out of 5 stars Required reading for all parents and those who love children
Reviewed in the United States on March 11, 2009
Verified Purchase
I happen to love books about psychology, so for me reading about countless studies and academic rivalries was generally part of the enjoyment. But since not all parents have the time and energy to go into that level of detail, I'd love to see a shorter, more user-friendly version geared to expecting and new parents, both natural and adoptive. I have a friend who's adopting right now and while I'd love for her to read this, I know she wno't slog through it, so it would be great if there was a more a la carte version for parents like her.

That said, I have to agree with the rave reviews of the other reviewers who gave this book 5 stars. I would have loved this book even before I had my first baby; now that I'm a mom, virtually every sentence seems written just for me! It is so amazing to uncover the theories that help to explain how we bond with our children and they with us, and how we can help to promote secure attachment.

However, I can see how some who favor a hands-off, workaholic, "fight your own battles, kid!" parenting style might be threatened by some of the conclusions drawn in this book. Still, let's not avoid information that makes us uncomfortable. I very nearly returned to more than full-time employment when my daughter was 4 months old, but instead decided to scale back and work just 6 hours per week. Later, when I read this book and also Penelope Leach's Your Baby & Child, as well as Magda Gerber's Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Childªs Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start, I felt beyond relieved that I had done what felt right instead of what was financially smart!

I hope that rather than making working moms feel guilty and stressed, this book and others like it can empower moms who are able to to choose to work less the first one, two, or ideally three years of life. (If you want to read a book that will break your heart and convince nearly any new mom to stay at home rather than put her baby in daycare, read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.) Kudos to Karen for an immensely readable, enjoyable, and deeply thought-provoking work!
3 people found this helpful
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M. Corrigan
5.0 out of 5 stars Totally Different Perspective
Reviewed in the United States on November 26, 2006
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This review probably won't do this book justice. I'm analytical, Master's Degree in Statistics kind of guy, yea, stoic. Psychology. Yea that stuff is for quacks. In graduate school I worked with enough of them trying to squeeze any interpretation out of their "data".

So I have one of those life altering experiences. I go to Iraq as a reservist, spend sixteen months away from my wife and job, come back to a wife that doesn't love me anymore and doesn't know if she can. PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression all in one. But other than the PTSD symptoms, all of the other things have constantly been in my life working mysteriously in the background.

I go to a shrink as my marriage has fallen apart and I have no one to talk to and she brings up Attachment. I have never heard of it, so the scientist in me wants to learn anything and everything before our next meeting. I next day this book and begin reading "my life away" online and in the book. Or more apropriately "reading my life back." I'm fitting into this mold that is everything I don't want to be, but am and jealous of the mold that is everything that I am not, I'm being divorced by a woman that has been hardening my mold for the last 5 years. This book altered my perspective on so many things. I identified with so many others. It gave me a framework and definitions for defense mechanisims like (passive agressiveness and sublimation), a way to look at my childhood, and although the odds are against me being Ambivalently Attached and seeking Secure Attachment, I can now somewhat accurately "self-reflect" on my life experiences.

I won't lie, reading the history was kind of drab (I read math books for a living that isn't much more exciting), but I can't say pick up this book and start with chapter 7 or something like that. The history gives you a working perspective, something like "at least that didn't happen to me" but then it starts to come into more practicable situations and you start to piece how you fit into the reading. Taking and owning what is yours and totally psychoanalyzing your friends and in my case the divorcing spouse.

The chapter that "WOW"d me the most was Chapter 26 Repetition and Change: Working Through Insecure Attachment. After I was able to piece the picture together of my life and what extent of the symptoms and other things in my life that have related to the entire book thus far. This chapter has given me some hope. Some hope of finding out who I really am and exploring my sloshing bucket of memories for what decisions I have made and what decisions I am making by trying X+Y=Z over and over again instead of tring something like B/Q=A.

This review still does not do this book justice, but I'll put it out there, but it is what it is. If you don't believe in psychobabble and are a hard "nut" to crack, read this book! I have looked down at psycholgists most of my life, like they settled on an "Easier" career because they weren't good enough for a "Real" one. Well I can honestly admit and apologize to any that I may have convinced, that I could not have been more from the truth.

I'm not going to switch careers or anything, but I now have a reference in wich to self reflect and "get a grip!"
242 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Natalia Pierce
5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent resource for the elementary counselling office
Reviewed in Canada on January 16, 2017
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An excellent resource for the elementary counselling office! This is a book I keep in my personal library and originally purchased for my own parenting journey but have found it a go-to I recommend to parents having difficulty with their own children.
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TC
5.0 out of 5 stars Well-written overview of attachment theory and its historical context
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 1, 2014
Verified Purchase
This book was a pleasure to read. It covers a lot of academic material but is never heavy or hard to follow. I loved the writing style and feel I have a good insight into the subject following reading.
3 people found this helpful
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Mrs kent
5.0 out of 5 stars ... psychodynamics or psychoanalytical studies then this is a really good read. Even if you just want to understand ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 10, 2014
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If you are considering psychodynamics or psychoanalytical studies then this is a really good read. Even if you just want to understand what makes us who we are then this is the book for you.
One person found this helpful
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donaldronald
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent read
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 12, 2013
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Not a difficult book to read, which is a bonus when reading a book recommended on a course. Still reading but it's well written so no hardship.
One person found this helpful
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Maureen Othen
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 24, 2015
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good book and a necessary read for anyone working with children
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